Puberty. The period during which adolescents reach sexual maturity and become capable of reproduction. For males puberty is when the testicles and scrotal sac begin to grow, the growth of pubic hair begins, body growth, growth of penis, change in voice, facial and underarm hair develop, and acne. For females puberty is a time for breast development, growth of pubic hair, body growth, first menstrual cycle (period), underarm hair, and acne. For me, puberty was when my body was no longer my body. I was living a life that wasn’t mine, in a body I felt and still feel isn’t mine, thinking thoughts that don’t belong to me. But then again, nothing belongs to me.
I can remember when it all started, I was 7 years old. At 7 years of age I remember having tenderness in my breast. What's wrong with breast tenderness? Nothing. If nothing is wrong, then how is this important? Good question. At age 7, I was somewhat under control of my body. It was my mind that I was losing control over, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. No longer mine, but everybody else's. My mom had died from a stroke. After her passing that 7 year old had to grow up, be strong. Everybody was crying, everybody felt pain, everybody felt things I couldn't feel. But, that was my mom. Why couldn't I feel those things? I felt guilty, like her passing was my fault. That's when depression came in. That's when it all started.
Three years later, I was 10 years old. I remember being so excited, I'm a tween now! I've made it to the double digits! I was a sixth grader who was already counting down days until her first day of high school. Soon, that excited little sixth grader no longer felt excited. She was scared, pathetic, lost, and hopeless. Her period had started. Her body was no longer hers.
I bled, and bled, and bled some more. I bled for months non-stop. The flow was heavy, and I was tired. I became anemic and almost needed a blood transfusion. The doctors ran dozens of blood tests, but didn't know what was wrong. No one in my family went through this. I was tired of it all: tired of the doctors, the pity, the medicine, the not knowing, the praying, the blood that just kept going. I was tired of life. The life I was living in the body that wasn't mine. Depression had worsened, thoughts came. The voices came. I had now lost my mind and my body, but how can you lose something that was never yours to begin with?
That saying, “everything happens for a reason.” Lord knows I want to believe it. And if things were different, I probably would. But I can’t. What good could come from any of this? Beats me. Now, I’m not just going to complain about how life is hard and all great stuff. But I want you to know that so far in this story, this chapter of someone’s life There is no good or happy ending. This wasn’t written to be enjoyed or inspriational. This was written to express, to set free all the thoughts and feelings that have been bottled up, never being able to see day of the light. This is for that 7 year old girl who, even if she tried, couldn’t express her feelings because she was “too young” to feel those things. This is for that 10 year old girl who felt that life was ending just as it had started to begin. This is for this 15 year old girl who may not know who she is, but is determined to find out on. Determination. That’s what it’s going to take, and that’s all I’ve got for now.
Lao-Tzu said “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”Im not sure how long this journey will take, but this is my single step.
I can remember when it all started, I was 7 years old. At 7 years of age I remember having tenderness in my breast. What's wrong with breast tenderness? Nothing. If nothing is wrong, then how is this important? Good question. At age 7, I was somewhat under control of my body. It was my mind that I was losing control over, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. No longer mine, but everybody else's. My mom had died from a stroke. After her passing that 7 year old had to grow up, be strong. Everybody was crying, everybody felt pain, everybody felt things I couldn't feel. But, that was my mom. Why couldn't I feel those things? I felt guilty, like her passing was my fault. That's when depression came in. That's when it all started.
Three years later, I was 10 years old. I remember being so excited, I'm a tween now! I've made it to the double digits! I was a sixth grader who was already counting down days until her first day of high school. Soon, that excited little sixth grader no longer felt excited. She was scared, pathetic, lost, and hopeless. Her period had started. Her body was no longer hers.
I bled, and bled, and bled some more. I bled for months non-stop. The flow was heavy, and I was tired. I became anemic and almost needed a blood transfusion. The doctors ran dozens of blood tests, but didn't know what was wrong. No one in my family went through this. I was tired of it all: tired of the doctors, the pity, the medicine, the not knowing, the praying, the blood that just kept going. I was tired of life. The life I was living in the body that wasn't mine. Depression had worsened, thoughts came. The voices came. I had now lost my mind and my body, but how can you lose something that was never yours to begin with?
That saying, “everything happens for a reason.” Lord knows I want to believe it. And if things were different, I probably would. But I can’t. What good could come from any of this? Beats me. Now, I’m not just going to complain about how life is hard and all great stuff. But I want you to know that so far in this story, this chapter of someone’s life There is no good or happy ending. This wasn’t written to be enjoyed or inspriational. This was written to express, to set free all the thoughts and feelings that have been bottled up, never being able to see day of the light. This is for that 7 year old girl who, even if she tried, couldn’t express her feelings because she was “too young” to feel those things. This is for that 10 year old girl who felt that life was ending just as it had started to begin. This is for this 15 year old girl who may not know who she is, but is determined to find out on. Determination. That’s what it’s going to take, and that’s all I’ve got for now.
Lao-Tzu said “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”Im not sure how long this journey will take, but this is my single step.